23 months later

Nearly 2 years have passed since my mother's death from pancreatic cancer.   I wish I could tell you that I'm on the other side of grief, but I'm not.  There are days (like today) when I still despair, but I don't feel quite as bereft as I did during the first year after her death.  That first year, I mostly wanted to be dead. I guess life had other plans, because I'm still here without my Mom.  I don't know about you, but grief is the loneliest experience I've ever encountered.  The most comfort I've found is in a stack of memoirs written by people who lost their loved ones ("The Best of Us" by Joyce Maynard being a favorite) and by people who were dying from a terminal disease ("The Bright Hour by Nina Riggs -- a hands down favorite).  The next best comfort I receive is from complete strangers in the "Option B -- Grief" group on Facebook.  Those people get it.  They really get it.  And, they don't try to talk you out of any feeling.  They understand not wanting to live without the person you most loved in life.  Only by immersing myself in sadness have I been able to emotionally move forward.  As you may know from your own experience(s) or have heard from others, grief is like the waves of the ocean.  It sweeps over you, then retreats, only to come back again.  While sad, I can also simultaneously experience joy when spending time with friends and family.  Today though I have a gnawing feeling in the pit of my stomach with no accompanying joy.  It's not a good feeling and I don't know why I'm so down today.  Maybe emotional loneliness has temporarily gotten the better of me.

So as not to burden others with my feelings, I spend a lot of time by myself these days.  Usually reading.  Or working in my yard.  Did I mention that last year (January, 2017) the scariest storm I've ever experienced, other than Hurricane Camille, swept through our city and directly through my neighborhood.  I lost three huge pine trees and a prized Sasanqua Camellia shrub, but thankfully no one was hurt and I did not incur any damage to my house or car.  Others were not as lucky.  In addition to the three trees and shrub I lost, I also lost my newly installed privacy fence on the alley side.  I'm still without that fence.  After paying for the damaged trees to be removed I didn't want to spend more money on a fence.  After the trees were gone, my once shady back yard was full of sunshine.  After about a year of sunshine, weeds starting taking over.  It kind of feels like the ongoing theme of my life. 

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