I think the reasoning behind a certain part of my personality has finally shown itself in the light of realization albeit not the brightest light of realization. I think my unwillingness to ask for favor, help, information, etc. can be traced to my childhood. My parents struggled financially while struggling to come to terms with each other and adulthood. Some of my most vivid memories of childhood thoughts are .... "don't ask, because you don't want to make them feel bad if they have to say no." This relation to my past may seem simple to you as I present it so simply here, but all my life, I have never wanted to "bother" people by asking for anything. I was always determined to make my own way, my own money, my own happiness, etc. And, for the most part, I have done just that. But of course, I'm not so dimwitted as to imagine that I could get through this thing called life without some help. In the back of my mind though is always the analytical nature of asking. Will I be asking too much of someone? Will I be asking for more than they can give? Will I be asking for more than they can do? Will I be asking for more than they can be?
One fine but minor example of how that affects my daily life is this:
Last night, I was at a local drugstore, and there was an item on display that I thought may be on sale, and I use this item regularly, so if it was on sale, it would be a good time for me to stock up. Usual confident me, began the internal dialog. "Will I be bothering the clerk if I ask whether or not this item is on sale? Will she be annoyed with me because she has other people to wait on? What other way can I find this knowledge for myself? Is it posted on a banner somewhere, I wonder if they have a sales ad." You get the picture. My internal dialog went on past my initial transaction. Luckily I had time enough to talk my self out of this silliness because I was with a friend and she was checking out behind me. After she did, I had come to my senses and asked the innocuous question, "Is that item on sale?" The clerk's cheerful reply, "Yes it is, and it is a really good sale!" Great! I stocked up!
So goes my nature and therefore my life. Sometimes silly, sometimes basically considerate, sometimes very thoughtful, sometimes self annoying internal dialogs happening throughout my day. Thankfully they usually happen quickly, decisively and if not always accurately, at least thoughtfully. So, I have an issue or two or three or four to work on, just call me human.
One fine but minor example of how that affects my daily life is this:
Last night, I was at a local drugstore, and there was an item on display that I thought may be on sale, and I use this item regularly, so if it was on sale, it would be a good time for me to stock up. Usual confident me, began the internal dialog. "Will I be bothering the clerk if I ask whether or not this item is on sale? Will she be annoyed with me because she has other people to wait on? What other way can I find this knowledge for myself? Is it posted on a banner somewhere, I wonder if they have a sales ad." You get the picture. My internal dialog went on past my initial transaction. Luckily I had time enough to talk my self out of this silliness because I was with a friend and she was checking out behind me. After she did, I had come to my senses and asked the innocuous question, "Is that item on sale?" The clerk's cheerful reply, "Yes it is, and it is a really good sale!" Great! I stocked up!
So goes my nature and therefore my life. Sometimes silly, sometimes basically considerate, sometimes very thoughtful, sometimes self annoying internal dialogs happening throughout my day. Thankfully they usually happen quickly, decisively and if not always accurately, at least thoughtfully. So, I have an issue or two or three or four to work on, just call me human.
No comments:
Post a Comment