Love and War

Where oh where do you put love when a relationship is over?  Some people quickly put it into another relationship, but my love is not easily transferable.  They say (yes those they), that mere exposure grows attachment.  That about sums me up.  I was exposed long enough to grow a strong attachment to the EXB's soul even though significant parts of our respective natures clashed like the Titans.

Since he was transferred to Arizona late last year, I have had less and less contact with him, and less exposure has lessened my everyday attachment.  I can now remember our clashes without those experiences being overpowered by our mutual mental and physical attraction.   All that talking, hugging, kissing and loving was a mighty powerful drug and I felt like an addict.  I'm now a recovering addict, and I have good days and bad days.

Yesterday, he was on my mind ... most of the day ... sneaking in amidst my work stress, my gym time and my leisure time.  I had not heard from him in a while, but I could not get him off my mind.  And lo and behold, I finally hear from him ...

He has orders to deploy to Iraq in June ........ let the worry begin.


A tear drop consists of electrolytes and salt. The chemistry of crying is not concerned with blame or fault.  Paul Simon -- Surprise

I'm in love forever and ever

I'm totally in love ... but not with any man.  I am totally in love with all the good things that the deep south has to offer.  Live oaks dripping with spanish moss and mingling with palms, ferns and swaths of cast iron are among my personal favorites.  My beloved deep south is currently bursting azaleas and dogwood trees into beautiful blooms.  It looks like the south went to Hawaii on vacation.  The colors are magnificent and the skies are true blue.  If you have ever read about the south, some of it may or may not be true.  But, what is true is that we are some very hospitable and talkative folks, although our manners are showing a bit of decline.  We have been known to curse your ass out and then beg for your forgiveness, because we run hot and sweet like that down here.   But, one thing I know ... is that we are friendly.  We wave at strangers, talk to fence posts and give you very detailed directions if you ask us how to get from here to somewhere else.  We stop for funeral processions and ambulances and will give you the dirtest of looks if you don't do the same. 

I thought all people were like this, but after I spent a week in London, I practically kissed the blazing hot asphalt when I landed in my beloved south.  I could not believe how starved I was for idle chit chat with strangers.  The guy helping us with our luggage chatted, the girl at the fast food restaurant chatted.  It was music to my ears.  I thought to myself ... oh my God, I have died and gone back to heaven.  Home!  I'm home!!  And I wasn't even "home" I was just Home!  Down here in the south, you get chit chatted with -- at the slightest drop of a humidity inspired bead of sweat on any dog day of summer, and to think, I took that wonderful everyday experience for granted.  I can assure you, I never will again.  I just got home from the local bookstore, where a very lively conversation ensued with the young man who sold me my book.  Two strangers engaging in a bit of humanity.  Ahhhhhh ... its sweet love to mutually understand the accent.

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Get on the love train ...

The guy in the two-tone sweater is hands down my favorite dancer in that soul train line! I can hardly believe this song, those clothes and fros were popular around the same time our area got any significant amount of snow before the snow which fell this past Friday!

I got on the love train! I felt the love of the day, the love of sunshine, the love of peace, the love of quiet, the love of work, the love of writing, the love of reading, the love of latin dance, the love of hot water, the love of chocolate, the love of a neighbor, the love of friends, the love of family, the love of strangers, the love of an admirer, the love of freedom, the love of the open road, the love of health, the love of warmth, the love of smiles, the love of conversation, the love of inclusion, the love of thought, the love of a funny man, the love of home, the love of dreaming, the love of past, the love of future, the love of present, and the greatest of my day's loves was -- the love of love!



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I have issues with Cupid, real issues ...

I was going to write a new piece of love in honor of Saint Valentine's Day, but I'm busy today, so I thought I would share with yall a little lovey nonsense I previously wrote and shared on MySpace in June of 2008, when I thought I was "falling in love." Turns out, it was a rabbit's hole. Granted, it was an entertaining and often intoxicating fall, but in the end it was a fall just the same, complete with emotional bruises and a final THUD!




When do you know?

When do you know you want to claim someone as your own? What are the signs that they have your heart or that you have theirs? Is it when their mere presence outweighs any difference of opinion? Is it when you want to sit on their lap in the nicest possible way? Is it when you want to be so close to them that you can't notice any difference of space? Is it when you are comfortable with the space when there is space to notice? Is it when the more you see them, the more enticing they appear? Is it when you find yourself sitting, waiting, wishing to see that person? Is it when you first feel that swell of heart or when that roll of tear escapes the eye? Is it when the greenest eyed monster wraps its ardent hands around your heart and squeezes unmercifully ? Is it when the briefest thought of them raises the finest of hairs to tickle the length of your arm ? Is it when you find yourself on the same side of the table from them because the intensity of their gaze causes your color to shift to high alert ? Is it when they do something small and quiet in the still of the night? Is it when they leave your side yet remain in your vicinity ... but the sense of loss is palpable? Is it when they venture to understand you while delighting in your mysterious appeal? Is it a slow roll into idealism? Is it when those untended parcels burst their seams and instead of turning away, they embrace you in understanding? Is it when you see value in the art of manipulation? Is it when you scoot your long established notions over to make room for their backpack of life? Is it when you clash but can't wait to instantly meld? Is it when outright ear smoking oyster steaming mad makes you feel downright hot steamy kissy? Is it when you are alone but you can feel their absence sitting by you? Is it when you know they are looking at you, but you aren't looking at them? Is it when your eyes lock and nothing else exists in that place and time?

That was how I was feeling in 2008, and during chunks of 2009, but today in 2010, I take issue with Cupid. I think Cupid is nothing but a low down dirty trickster, and if I ever lay my hands on him, I am gonna clean his clock!

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I couldn't keep you, and that sucks.

It isn't easy parting ways with people that you love, but sometimes it's the only way forward. Wouldn't it be nice if there were a better way to let go, besides heart ripping pain? Wouldn't it be nice if we could just "remove" people from our lives as easily as we remove facebook friends we no longer want on our page? Some people have no trouble pushing the real life disconnect button, but I'm still looking for it. The danger of love for me is that my heart wishes to keep loving people I have grown to love. Granted, it's sometimes hard to recognize the feeling as love, because at times the feeling feels like hate. But, I know full well what that means. It means, I love something so intensely that it spurs me to feel the complete opposite of love, if I am deprived of it. Even, if I was equally responsible for depriving myself of it.

I am NOT searching for the "real life disconnect" button in order to disconnect from any one person, I simply wish to disconnect from the intense feelings I hold for certain people, so that it doesn't hurt when I think of them, talk to them or see them. I want to continuously love those people that I love but can't keep. Not with the same kind of love, but a less selfish love. So, I endure the heart ripping consequence of daring to love, while proudly wearing my lingering distress as a badge of honor. My heart was brave, and it will be brave again!



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