Evil chases me in the wee hours

I swear. No, really, I swear I do swear. I swear like a fiend sometimes even though I try not to. If provoked, I sometimes even swear in print. However, I try not to swear in print, and find it easier not to swear in print than I do when I'm speaking. I'm not sanctimonious about not swearing in print, I love reading your swear words. I swear I do. It tells me you are real and grounded in who you are. Besides, I know that swear words aren't bad or worse than the want to swear. And, I really want to swear, so why torment myself?

My self tormenting stems only from years of conditioning in the "professional" world. I have been so proper "writing" conditioned that it even takes great effort for me to write email or blogs using contractions such as -- isn't, aren't, can't. Or my favorite horrific southern baddie ... ain't. And you can bet your bottom dollar that I use "ain't" like nobody's business when speaking. I cannot help it. I have been verbally conditioned to speak as badly as I have been conditioned to write properly. Not saying I write 100% properly. I am definitely afflicted with a plethora of writing issues. I have people for that though. People who will edit my errors.

All that to say ... WHAT THE HELL?!? I unintentially fell asleep around 8:00 p.m. last night and was NOT surprised to find myself awake by 1:30 a.m. Not just awake, WIDE AWAKE. I was trying desperately to go back to sleep, but my mind kept rolling. I hate those wee morning hour thoughts. They are evil, and I have yet to understand why they wish to torment me. All they say over and over and over is ...

"You are alone. Listen how quiet it is. See, we told you that you would be alone. You keep trying to say that you aren't alone, but you are alone, alone, right by yourself and all the people that you know can't keep you from being alone. You are always going to be alone."

Of course I'm paraphrasing, but that's the gist of those wee hour thoughts. No matter what, if I wake up anywhere between 1:30 and 5:00 a.m., those thoughts plague me worse than frizz on a humid day. I hate them. I am afraid of them, they scare the beejeebees out of me. I argue with them. I try to block them out with other thoughts. I try to pray them away. I finally end up trying to drown them out by watching TV, reading while taking a hot bath, anything which will distract me from their evil quest. I am finally able to shun them, but not before their insidious chant, and all of my diversionary tactics, have kept me awake for a good hour and usually more. I need less distracting diversionary tactics.

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