Blame
I wrote such a beautiful book for you
'Bout rainbows and sunshine
And dreams that come true.
But the goat went and ate it
(You knew that he would),
So I wrote you another one
Fast as I could.
Of course it could never be
Nearly as great
As that beautiful book
That the silly goat ate.
So if you don't like
This new book I just wrote --
Blame the goat.
-- Shel Silverstein
Would you miss Lickety Splitter if she felt forced to leave? It's not that I reveal anything more than who I am here, but to have yourself revealed by someone you knew you should never trust, is no less hurtful.
I only wanted a place to write where I would always feel uninhibited. What are my choices now? Stay and hope I'm not boring to all of you but one to whom I wish to be meaningless to? Mundane enough to lose the interest of that one who should know that -- by my giving up the one I loved and continue to love and currently intend to love for eternity (regardless of all that has passed and all that is) -- I gave a gift and that gift should be enough. It should be all that I have to give. I should not have to give the deepest feelings of my soul or the shallow pools of my everyday. My decision to let go of the relationship (but not the love) was a calculated decision of my own volition, my own choice, my own knowing that I wanted more for myself than a lifetime of having to fight for the right to be me and to hold out the hope of finding someone who would sometimes, not always, but sometimes in those rare moments when love of another overrides our own feeling for self, would bestow upon me the greatest gift we can ever give another, an integrity which surpasses our own selfishness.
If you are arriving late to this post and are slightly confused by the nature of the comments below, I'm sorry to say you missed the rest of this blog, which I deleted because I realized it would be slightly mysterious to those of you I welcome readily here. I had lots to say on this subject, which if circumstances were as I suspected, would have been easily understood by its subject. However, I have given my choice and decision lots of thought today, and I say to the former silent reader, READ on if you think you have reason. I envy you not.
House Rules: Any and all passersby, stalkers and the like, can post comments under "lurker comments." They will be screened for hexes, spells, foils, curses, foul smells and cooties before posting.
I would miss your blog if you left. For real! But understand one thing. We ARE ALL FLAWED. All of us bloggers are. And if someone found your blog (if I read you right) then I suggest this. Start another one. I have a friend whose family found her blog so she shut it down. Started a new one and only let four of her closest friends know about the new one. She writes freely now and reveals much about her self than before because she has to write. I’ve had my share of troubles and disappointment, too. But I don’t give a shit who reads or comments on my stuff. Because I do it for me. If you do decide to move on, I hope you let me know where you land.
ReplyDelete@CP -- you read me correctly. I sooooo want to keep all of YOU and lose ALL of those outside of our blog world, but blogger doesn't make that easy. Thank you for the kind and helpful words of encouragement and advice. I have always sensed what a good man you are. I actually think you fellas are my strongest supporters and for that, I am very appreciative.
ReplyDeleteI would miss you too - We are all flawed - and it makes us what we are - and makes you what you are, someone with endearing quirks.
ReplyDeleteI am not smart enough to understand what you are trying to say - I sense a deep yearning to "find someone" that makes you more than "just you". I hope that you find what you seek and that it is all and everything that you wish for and dream about. I suspect your search is made difficult because you are so smart and think (too?) much.
@IG -- I'm not seeking in this blog, I stand strong in knowing what is best for me. This blog isn't about wanting someone, it's about NOT wanting someone that isn't right for me. Someone that has once again betrayed me by revealing my blog. Someone that has to be soooooooooo carefully watched, that I too am under the microscope, even though I AM THE ONE THAT chose to him let go. If I wanted him like that I could have had him from nearly the get go.
ReplyDeleteI know that your blog is one of those I look forward to reading. All your annoyances and all the tales you tell about yourself and your life... I love all those. I would never expect you to be somebody else you aren't.
ReplyDeleteYou are a strong woman. Don't give up something because of a nitwit. You could always make this blog private and invite only specific people or create a new blog but the point is, you started it for YOU. Keep it for YOU.
Yes, I would be very sad if you were forced to leave. Just remember, there are options and there are choices and the easiest one isnt always the right one.
@Nikki -- thank you so much for the being such a sweet blog friend. I always look forward to your posts too ... they are among my favorites. You're right, I started this blog for me, just to have a place to indiscriminately express my silly side, my ire, my boredom, my angst, my not so deep ponderings about the things around me, my enthusiasm about life, and sometimes my lack of it. All in all, I just feel the need to write. I will hope for the best and expect the worst.
ReplyDelete