It's Sunday evening, after a very lowkey day. Earlier, I watched a documentary on public television about a senior chorus called Forever Young. The documentary was compelling, because I love almost anything to do with human relationships. I loved their interaction and their stories.
Can I out myself and tell you, that as I watched those elders living their lives and singing their hearts out to sincerely moved and appreciative audiences, I shed tears? The stirring emotions? Heaps of admiration for their tenacious spirit, and sadness over the loss of two of their fellow chorus members who succumbed to different illnesses.
You know, it isn't always easy coming to terms with the fact that one day we will ALL find ourselves facing our own mortality. The reminder was sobering, because it made me question what I am doing with my life. Not that this question is a new one for me. I ask myself that at least once a week, but I never come up with a satisfactory answer.
In comparison to the chorus members, who ranged from 70 something to 90 something, I feel like a spring chicken. I also feel that I owe it to those who are no longer able to pursue their dreams and goals, to live my ONE life to its fullest. But, I struggle to find the path of fullness. I struggle to find the path of greatness.
What is your answer when someone asks you, "If you knew you had only one day to live, what would you do?" or "What would you regret not doing if you were on your deathbed?" I never have any other answer than to spend time in the company of my family. Since I regularly spend time with my family, I feel like I am shortchanging myself on expectations. I have looked at all sorts of "bucket" lists, and I gotta tell you, there aren't any experiences on those that I would regret not doing, or have a burning desire to do. This ongoing dilemma, feeling like I should have a bucket list and not having a bucket list, is otherwise self labeled as my mid-life crisis, which I have been experiencing almost ten years now. In that ten year period, I have gone back to school, payed off all my debt (including mortgage), been in and out of some short term relationships, fell deeply in forever crazy love, turned down the possibility of marriage to that crazy love (stop looking at me like that, I'm not calling YOU
crazy, just the love), and put one foot in front of the other.
Now, I sit here writing, after having painted my toenails a color called "Starlet." If you ask me, Starlet could use a little more oomph, sorta like my life. Oh well, it's rosy enough for the time being. Sadly, painting my toenails is my biggest accomplishment today. How freaking irresponsible is that? I know that I OWE my life more than that. I feel so free, yet so trapped in mediocrity of my own making.
Can any of us LIVE our LIVES fully enough?
House Rules: Any and all passersby, stalkers and the like, can post comments under "lurker comments." They will be screened for hexes, spells, foils, curses, foul smells and cooties before posting.
I think that if you try to compare yourself to what others have done in their lives, you will never be happy or fulfilled. Their accomplishments are for them. I think that if you live your life the way you want to live it, you will be happy and that happiness will effect others.
ReplyDelete@CP -- true dat Mr. Coffey. Now, if I could figure out how I want to live my life and what will make me the most happy, I would get busy doing it. But then again, maybe I've already done all that I can. And now, I just have to wait for life to fill in the rest of the blanks.
ReplyDeleteIt took me years to get to "I don't need nor want to make a big impact on the world - in fact, I want only to leave the world a better place" before I was able to give up the "shoulds" and "needs" and accept the "walk gently and make few waves" way of living. Happiness comes from within - from being satisfied that you have taken on whatever goals you have choosen - and succeeded with them. Remember that bit of land your brother wanted to buy? I could see being happy walking barefoot through the gardens of my own vegetables and smelling the flowers.
ReplyDeleteThe only bucket list thing - for me would be to find someone to walk with.
@ Iggy -- Finding another right someone to walk through that garden with is my problem. It would be easier to find the infamous needle in the haystack. I agree that happiness comes from within. I am generally a happy person, but I have a never ending angst in my soul, always seeking ... something ... I just don't know what.
ReplyDelete